No Voice, No Self

Never enough for this world.

I am — too much, too little, too thin,

too big, too tan, too fair, too “white-washed”, too scary,

too whatever they decide to label me next.

Born to this soil but burdened by a bigot that dares to

turn me away to a home country that doesn’t claim me.

This is my home! Whether it wants me or not.

I’m swimming to the finish line, but it hurts.

It hurts to see those who share my identity struggling to stay afloat.

Chicana with no mother tongue to defend my name.

Ashamed by the flavors of spice that fill my plates,

but lack of vocabulary in the language of my ancestors.

My family’s Spanish was lost.

Lost in an attempt to lessen our chances of racial pressure while in public.

Still as we leave the safety of the Bay Area,

we coincidentally get spat on by anyone threatened by our pride.

I am most proud of who I am in the wrath of those who hate me.

Still the community that I fiercely defend has disowned me,

for I could never defend them in the language of our ancestors.

A burden to their community, but singled out for looking like them.

The same phenomenon happens when the kids hear of my other half.

A flag filled with red, white, blue,

and a beautiful dash of gold that signifies the Philippines.

Still, I am filipina with only a few words memorized from the mother tongue.

This feels worse than knowing nothing at all.

The gossip that cuts into me as I walk through the Filipino market.

The elders would think that I was too naive to hear their snarky remarks.

Laughing at my mother for having a daughter as brown as me.

My mother’s insecurity would overflow into my heart

as she rubbed whitening creams over my tan arms.

I’m too American for my culture, and considered too dark to fit privilege.

This American Nightmare that I’ve been raised in has left me confused.

Where is my motherland? It surely is not here.

Even if I wanted to claim Mexico or the Philippines, they would not want me.

I can no longer suppress parts of myself to fit in,

because I will never truly fit into any of these groups.

I am Mexican, Filipino, and an American,

but they do not want me.